“Do you want to live a life of purpose? Or a life of comfort?” Never will I forget the question that’s been engraved into my spirit. These words came to me in the still of the night by my late beloved grandmother in a dream. This gentle question resonated so quietly and yet echoed so loudly.
2020 hit me like a pile of bricks. I was a new stay at home mother of 3 (at the time), accepting and adjusting (yes, it’s a process) to the recent diagnosis of our son having significant developmental delays and additional needs, and trying to balance being a young wife. I found myself in fragile and complex time in life, when suddenly the whole world stopped. In March of 2020 I sat bewildered, eyes wide open as I helplessly watched along with billions of others, as a global pandemic rapidly swept over the entire world, forcing us all into a mandated quarantine.
It was then, when life came to a stand still, that I had no choice but to come face to face with some old demons.
Mainly, the infamous one called anxiety. During this time, we endured countless ER trips and numerous doctor visits as my husband and I tried to “figure out” what was “wrong” with me. Restless nights. Racing heart. Sweaty palms. Feeling dread and fear constantly as thousands of questions repeatedly fired in my head. Something was not right.
As time passed I learned to “ignore” it. (I absolutely do NOT recommend this) and we soon began the journey of buying our first home. (I know what were we thinking, right?) In summer of 2020 we became first time homeowners and outside looking in, things were great. New home. New beginnings. I’m learning to “cope” (Or so I thought), I should be happy and at peace, right? But that’s when things went haywire. Anxiety was at an all time high and things were worse than before. Panic attacks were occurring multiple times a day and I quickly became paralyzed in constant fear. I often would be frozen in paranoia that another “episode” would happen, thus actually invoking another one. I was mentally and physically being drained.
“God, I need you. Please save me.”
These were the only words I had the strength to muster through waves of constant tears. I felt detached. Hopeless. I felt like I had been fighting in a war and was barely clinging to life, completely vulnerable and wounded. I wasn’t ok. I needed to seek help. I needed a doctor. A healer. I needed God.
Slowly I began putting in the work and began to seek help. I connected with a counselor and addressed past trauma that had been buried deep for a long time. I began creating personal boundaries and surrounded myself (although I know it was actually divine orchestration) with faith filled and spirit lead individuals. People I could pray and cry with. It was during this time of true healing that this life shifting question was able to seep down into the soil of my soul, creating sturdy roots.
Sometimes, living a purposeful life means getting out of your comfort zone and doing “hard things.” Uncomfortable things. Things that in the moment you will not like, truthfully you may even hate them, but they’re necessary things. They’re things that will refine you and allow you to grow. In Isaiah 66:9 NCV the Lord says, “I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born.” So take God at his word and praise him for this faithful promises! During my season of healing I not only birthed our second son, Uriah (whose name befittingly means, God is my light) but another precious and beautiful gift was birthed in my life, Clay and Noble. A therapeutic hobby that had the opportunity to become something more than I could have ever imagined; a small business. A concept centered on Christ. My desire is for C+N to be a encouraging and empowering avenue for women to be unafraid to stand boldly in their walk with Christ! A place of community. A place of women who are unafraid to tell their story, and stand in the gaps to help one another, just like those who selflessly walked along side me in my time of need. A place that envelopes women of all ages with Christ’s love and words of truth.
He’s a good father and will never leave his children helpless
So rise up women of faith and fix your eyes on the one who sees you, the one who knows you by name. Grasp tightly the hand of your Creator and step out of your comfort zone. Make the move and choose purpose over comfort. You were born for such a time as this.
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